The Courage to Listen

We all want others to listen to us. As a parent you’ve asked your kids to be “good listeners” or pleaded with school age kids to put on their listening ears. We know that listening is an important skill but do we really practice it throughout the day? Hey, did you hear me?

No, we don’t listen well at all.

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Take time today to observe a conversation. Are those involved listening or are they talking “at” each other. What we think of as listening today tends to fall into a few categories of what I will call sorta-listening:

(1) The nodder — this person keeps nodding their head or may use a verbal not of “uh-huh” to signal that they are still listening. Often we subconsiously use the nod to draw attention back to ourselves and create breaks in the conversation for us to cut in. They aren’t really listening, they’re waiting to add their thought.

(2) The competitor — do you ever feel that another participant in the conversation is trying to one-up the conversation? Some feel each conversation is one to to “win”. There is certainly something to win in a conversation but not the way that this pseudo-listener thinks of it.

(3) The “problem” participant — This person thinks they are strengthening your thought or your point by pointing out “the problem” with whatever you’re saying. Typically you hear “but the problem with that is . . .”

We have all experience with these roles (and let’s be honest, we have BEEN these roles) within conversation. We think we’re helping but we’re not. We THINK we’re listening but we’re simply responding.

Listening is a muscle that takes focus and practice in the right areas. The best listening practitioners practice listening. Some interactions will be better than others but the focus is on trying.

Here are a few thoughts to help kickstart your listening practice:

(1) Listen actively — put your phone away (and other distractions) and engage with the person or people you’re talking to. Attention is the first step. Also, remember that listening actively is participation. Ask good questions to deepen your understanding.

(2) Build the self-esteem around you — look for ways to show your engagement by building up the people that you engage with. Even when the conversation is a disagreement it can still be a positive experience for all participants. Rather than stomping out differences create a safe environment where they can be shared (respectfully) and ask questions to learn more.

(3) Cooperatively listen —Certainly there is room to challenge assumptions and disagree within the best conversations, but when other participants know they are being listened to they are more likely to reciprocate and listen intently to learn rather than compete.

Our public leaders and media have been teaching for too long that arguing and competitive conversations are the norm. It’s time to break through that noise and be different. Listen deeply. It can be scary because you might actually be changed in some way but if we’re not open to new thought why are we spending time together in the first place. Be brave enough to listen.